Hold On Another Day,

cause love is on its way,
leaders show us how to love each other,
it can help us to recover.
love is on its way.
Lonely, I believe that you will find me,
and toghether we will truly see love is on its way,
so hold on another day,
cause love is on its way,
you'll find its gonna be okay,
cause love its on its way,

someone once told me love sucks,
and i laughed at them.
but i now see his point of view,
though i don't believe love truly sucks,
the bad relationships make us stronger,
they help us see what real love is more clearly.
I'm happy he signed on, now that I think about it.
It may not have been true closure for me,
but it got somethings out in the open for me.
I know he hasn't forgotten me,
and I know he's still the immature little boy, i love.
It was nice to get to talk, though the air was filled with mixed emotions,
and a horrible desire to touch.
I miss the feeling of his skin,
the feeling of his arms around my waist,
the scent of him,
the feel of his lips against mine,
and though he still has the ability to control the fiber of my being,
I know he's not going to cause me harm intentionally.
I can't think of Vegas positively anymore though,
flying away from there, was probably the worst experience i've ever felt.
knowing we were so close, yet so far away.
It really is like December all over again.

My Immortal by Evanescence really explains me right now,
i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

I used to be lovestruck

now i'm just fucked up.

so as i type this,
i'm on the verge of crying.
he came back,
it was akward and i don't think he has any feeling for me.
he just appologized, and told me how i was amazing. and how sorry he was.
after finally thinking i had some closure,
the same rip in my heart, that feels like an old wound reopening is slowly tearing me apart.
I need to be stronger than this,
I need to be stronger than him.
I can't do it.
I can't take it.
I'm ready to breakdown.
I know he didn't try to do this to me.
He didn't even think I would notice him.
But God save my soul, I can't do this.
I don't know if he's even ever coming back.
He didn't say he wouldn't.
and he didn't say he would.
I feel like that was just a closure for his guilt.
I just needed to be another finished chapter in his life story.
I'm nothing anymore.
Just his past.
and thats what i'll remain.
I've been used, I've been abused, because of him.
I can't even function properly,
I'm stunned at the moment on my ability to type and think properly.
My mind is spinning,
It feels like everything is moving full speed ahead, but for me time has stopped.
I wish I never met you.
I wish I never missed you.
I wish I could quit you.
I wish I could tell you, I'm over you.
I wish, you weren't the boy I fell in love with.
I wish the boy I thought you were, was really you.
You try so hard to be a man, yet you've got so much to learn.
You're still nothing but a child, even if you've got 3 years on me,
I know for a fact, mentally, I'm more mature.
Even if i'm not stronger mentally at this point.
I will be one day.
One day, i'll be able to look you in the eye,
and tell you, I feel nothing.

Release me from this curse I'm in,

trying to maintain, but i'm struggling

God, I'm such an idiot.
He doesn't hate me,
he was ignoring me because of his feeligns,
but of course, my big mouth had to come into the picture, i had to say something
and now he won't leave me alone.
I'm really bipolar, Jesus Christ.
Just late night thinking today.
I keep finding myself drawing his eyes, with hearts in the pupils, i don't know why.
I've always been attracted to his eyes, and i can't look into them anymore, they do horrible things to me,
they say the eyes are the gateway to the soul,
and god, one look into those eyes, and i believe it.
i've always been attracted to eyes, i don't know why,
I remember his eyes blue as the ocean, dark sometimes, sometimes light, but gorgeous all at once.
breath taking, actually.
you could get lost in them.
ah, i know what you're all thinking.
such a silly little girl, talking about love like she's been in it.
well i can tell you, i have. once, i can tell you, i even dreamed of getting married to him, funny ey? well that islove for you, beautiful and disasterous. And thats exactly what happened, i fell uncontrollably inlove, and it destroyed me, heart and soul.
I become a wreck, no one could help me,
i made people worry constantly about me.
Thats probably why I ran from this relationship,
he acts so much like him.
yet they're so much different,
but even so, i ran.
from everything, and I know how low that is, but well, you can't blame me, like you're thinking, i'm a foolish little girl, yes. but i was a foolish little girl in love.
Don't tell me, you don't know what its like.
to want to drop everything for that one person,
to give up everything, for even one second with them.
yeah that was me,
he even told me he wanted to marry me, and believe me, at the time, in a heartbeat i would've, underaged or not, i would've ran off with him wherever he'd want to take me, just because it'd be me he was taking, and not someone else. God, I miss that boy.

I am everything I am

because you loved me.

I knew it,
I regret it.
i miss him.
i love him.
but i can't stand him.
and now he hates me.
what a brillant world we live in.
I guess ignorance is bliss.
I got what i wanted,
and once again, its not what i wanted at all.
He loved everything about me, and like the bitch i am,
i pushed him away.
oh well,
this feeling will pass
it always does

Cause when I'm with him,

I am thinking of you,

why can't i let you go?
I feel like i'm spinning out of control.
I thought i was strong enough, I guess I'm too weak.
its pitiful. I still love that fucking boy and I can't stand it.
He's all I thought about today, and it scares me.
I really thought I was over this infatuation.
and then there are the people, i wish i did love,
for example, f. he's sweet, and he still loves me and wants me back,
but i just can't love him, and i HATE myself for it.
He deserves alot better.
I've never felt to pathetic in my life.
I wish I never joined this world,
I wish I never met him.
I wish I wasn't me.
He meant the world to me,
how could i have so stupid as to make him my everyting?
What the fuck was I thinking?
I'm so fucking naive.
I don't know whats going on with me.
I don't know anything anymore.
Who I love,
What I like,
What I don't like.
Who I'm friends with
Who I'm not friends with.
the world is spinning so fast, time is flying
and I don't have the time to breathe.
All I know is
music has saved me yet again,
thank god.
and not only music yet again,
but yet again the Jonas Brothers have come to the rescue with
Love is on its way.
and thank god for it.
I've nearly snapped completely out of my depression,
though this helps too.

I met you in a dream,

your peircing eyes were staring straight at me.
just some feelings expressed in poetry,

Well, I knew it’d never last,
that you’d eventually become part of my fucked up past.
A sweet memory, I’d look back on, and know I was a fool.

I was just a silly little girl, with her hopes to high.
My wings to small for me to fly,
But I took the jump, and now I’m facing the fall;
Wings broken, heart shattered, I lie staring at the sky,
and I can think is, “why?”
Erase the pain, that’s darkening my heart,

Deep within myself, I feel my soul become untamed.
I feel it begin to rearrange.
I don’t need you to feel anymore.

No longer, will you break me.
No longer will you make me.
I’ve cut my ties; I could care less about our goodbyes.

I’ll take this shattered heart, and learn to love,
I’ll take these broken wings and learn to rise above,
I can finally live without you.


------------------


And he speaks, extrodinary words, for an ordinary boy,
talking about love, like he knew what it was,
He was wise beyond belief, though he couldn't see the beauty in him.
He thought she deserved better, he thought he wasn't good enough,
and with three simple words, their worlds collided.

She spoke with such arrogancy, for a young girl.
talking about things, like she could really change the world.
She was beautiful beyond belief, though she saw a monster in the mirror.
She knew he deserved better, she knew she wasn't good enough,
and with three simple words, their worlds collided.
--------------------------------

She keeps her heart hidden in a veil of ice,
locking it up from the rest of the world,
and forever it'll stay, in that little silver case.
forever beating, forever alone,
always trying to protect herself, from heartbreak,
to worried that some silly boy will break it,
and, she'll die alone, never knowing what its like,
to be in love.
---------------------------------------


Where were you?
When my world came crashing down,
When I couldn’t find the strength to continue.

Where were you?
When everything began to crumble,
When I needed a shoulder to cry on.

Where were you?
When it felt like it was me against the world.
When I was all alone.

I found out,
I don’t need you to breathe.
To stand on my own.
I found out,
You weren’t the man I thought you were.
You were a child.

I found out,
You loved me,
But you also loved her.

I found out,
People change.
I’m glad I did.

Sometimes I wish I could,

turn back time.
As impossible as it may seem.

I've never felt so sure of something in my life, and now all I want to do is turn back time, and take it all back. I thought it was something to be proud of, and I can't believe I was such an idiot for believing that. I can't escape this depression, and it scares me, I don't want to end up offing myself, or going back to popping pills, just so i'd pass out and escape the world, even for a little while. I don't want to go down that path, but right now, those ibuprofens, advils, and tylenols are looking pretty sweet to me, almost candy coated. Its a curse given to me, I can't hurt people, I can only hurt myself, and I swear, its getting the better of me. The fact that i'd rather suffer, than havr someone else suffer because of me, or for me, is killing me. Sometimes I wish I could be selfish, and just let people take my pain from me, but I can't, and I just keep it inside me. None of my 'friends' know what I'm going through, and I doubt they'd even understand. I know that I'll eventually die because of the way I feel, whether its my own doing, or something else, and I think i've come to terms with accepting what will be my early death.
As pessimistic as that sounds. I think its also the fact that I have a problem accepting how weak and vulnerable I was in December and January, I spent 14 years building up a wall, to have it completely shattered by one person, and in an instant. Makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm so sick and tired

of being sick and tired.
Friends? what the fuck are real friends? I thought I knew, boy was I wrong.
People prove to be all the same, only caring about whats best for them, and not whats best for others, they're coniving, and back stabbing, and if they feel threatened, they'll team up.
its like a fucking jungle, and i'm so sick of being the one leaving a pack, because i'm a threat, and unlike majority of the people in the world, i can think for myself, i don't need a goddamn leader. Well I guess thats highschool for you, people would rarther pretend to be someone they're not to fit into a group, than be themselves out of fear of being judged. I guess thats where I stand alone, and probably the reason, I've dropped all my friends. I haven't been myself, and I blame my school and my depression, though i probably would've outgrown my friends anyway.
Its sort of nice, knowing I only have one true friend, cause in a sense, I now know, those who cared, and those who were never really there. Great to know I've wasted around 9 years of my life. I don't blame my mom for hating this town now, or the people in it. There really is no originality left in the world. I've learned the hard way, that people only care about saving your own ass.

I see the ege

but I can't take the fall,

that feeling,
that same feeling I struggled to break free of,
its haunting me, taking ahold of me once again.
Depression took ahold of my life, in the 6 grade.
Music was my sanctuary, and with it, i was screaming salvation.
sweet salvation. I thought I escaped it with nothing but tragic memories.
but i was wrong. I hate this feeling, and I don't know what to do.
for once in my life, i'm not the one with advice but the one who needs it, and no one to give it.
I've never felt more alone in the world, than I do, at this moment.
Its taking over my life, and theres nothing I can do to stop it.
I don't even know why I should wake up in the morning. Its just a feeling of complete and utter emptyness. Its like a curse. Music can't save me this time.
I thought love could save me, but it couldn't.
Who knows why I'm like this, but its made me coldhearted.
I have so many defenses, I don't know who to trust, I don't know who to love, and who to hate.
I allow others to walk a all over me, a fake smile plastered perfectly on my face.
Depresssion is a serial killer, and I just happened to be its next victim. I remember being a suicidal child, wanting to kill myself so badly, just to escape this, and now its happening again.
friends, arent there to help either. they bitch about my mood, or they get to ignorant to understand. this is the time when i need them most and 99% of them turned their backs.
I'll wind up killing myself before one of them even starts to care. i lost the one person who i ever felt really cared, and it turns out he didnt even care t begin with, my fucked up life was just a game to him. i think im just a game to everybody, their little doll to fuck around with. oh well, when im dead and gone, they'll be to blame. I really dont know how much longer i can preten to be okay with big fake smiles, and silly little 'i'm fine,'s. its getting harder to ignore. this little blog has been helping, but not as much as i need it to.

I swear to God,

We've been down this road,
the guilts no good, and it only shames us more,

You're not in love.
This is Highschool.
This is Freshman year. I'm so sick of the happy little couples who are 'so in love'
you're fourteen, you don't know what love is. You just like the sweet nothings whispered into your silly stupid little ears. Don't tell me you really love me. You don't know what love is yet. You're 15 and you barely have a head on your shoulder. I can't see myself with you in 5 years, let alone a year. So I guess its a good question to ask, why am i with you?
Probably because you're a safety net. I don't like being vulnerable and weak., but I know that you'd follow me around to corners of the world, thats how much you love me. I guess I am taking you for granted, but in the beginning you also played me. Like I didn't know about the three other girls, ahaha, i guess the joke truly is on you though. You fell in love, I didn't. I'm stuck in a emotionless rut, dating my best friend. I don't feel anything, but I guess thats better than feeling rejection and repulsion around you. I do worry how you're going to take the end though. I really don't think you see it coming. I know eventually we'll break up, and for your sanity, I hope you get to do the dumping. I don't think you'd be able to take it if I did it. But really, I didn't sign up for this, I'm only 15 as well. I don't need to be in love, I've got the rest of my life for that.
Why am I still in this, the question pops up again.
I guess, I'm scared to hurt you, after all you are my best friend, no matter how much i loathe you at the moment for putting me in this situation. You've got me cornered. I find myself wishing to be single, yet I catch myself, thanking whatever is up there, that I have you.
Love is a confusing thing, I wouldn't call this love, but I don't know if i'd call this over, just yet. I guess I don't really know what I want. I thought I wanted you, but now I don't think I ever really did. I think it was just the excitement of having someone to myself, that you brought with you, you just weren't the one I really wanted. Now I'm stuck at 3 in the morning, blogging about silly things, I've got people telling me just to end it, and I've got people telling me to stick it out, but what would I stick it out for? To feel like this.
When you kiss me, when you touch me, I don't feel anything, it's like kissing a wall for me. cold, lifeless, nothing. I can't figure out what I want. Being with you, also intimidates me, and I hate the feeling. I feel like i'm not good enough, that theres someone better, and it drives me crazy, meanwhile, i've got this knawing feeling of emptyness with you, like i'm making a mistake and he's the one I want, not you. but how can someone love two people? how can i possibly be in love with you both, meanwhile, the other one wants nothing to do with me, but maybe thats why i want him. the exhilleration of the chase, the feeling of being so close, only to have to work harder, because well, once I had you hooked, I wanted to let you go, only now i'm stuck, like i've hooked myself. but what if he does want me? and I go to him, will I feel like this? I guess thats another reason I decided to say yes to you. to take a chance, and a risk, to let myself be vulnerable for once, to not have that wall, i've built up, but now I know the truth, in this relationship, you're the vulnerable one. I control this relationship more than you do, and I can easily destroy it. Love is a priveledge, and in the past, i haven't been to lucky, so who knows, maybe i'm just taking advantage of the fact that this time, i'm the seeked, and not the seeker. It's a brilliant and wonderful feeling, and I think right now, at this stage in my life, I really don't deserve it, and I don't deserve you, you're a truly wonderful person, even your little quirks are adorable. your flaws, make you flawless in a way, they make your perfection seem human, and I don't quite know why I feel this way, but perfect as you are,I just don't want you, and i think the problem consists in the past, as silly as a fake internet relationship was, it really took a hold of me, and controlled my life, i believe, I really truly fell in love, with whomever that was. Who knows, maybe I am crazy, but I miss it, i miss the confusion, the crying, and the fact that through all the bullshit, i found myself smiling in the end. Maybe your perfection is causing your downfall. I miss the screaming, and the anger, and the feeling in the end, that the world had completely stopped, and the fact that i was carefree. That entire situation has left me fucked up, screwed up, and defensive, but the truth is, I don't think, if given the option, i'd change it so that it never happened. Who knows, maybe what they say is right, maybe in the end, i'm just a fucked up coldhearted bitch, but I can't change me. Maybe, I'll find someone, just as fucked up, or maybe I'll be alone, but hey I'm only 15, i've got the rest of my life ahead of me, and the rest of my life, to find that out.