I swear to God,

We've been down this road,
the guilts no good, and it only shames us more,

You're not in love.
This is Highschool.
This is Freshman year. I'm so sick of the happy little couples who are 'so in love'
you're fourteen, you don't know what love is. You just like the sweet nothings whispered into your silly stupid little ears. Don't tell me you really love me. You don't know what love is yet. You're 15 and you barely have a head on your shoulder. I can't see myself with you in 5 years, let alone a year. So I guess its a good question to ask, why am i with you?
Probably because you're a safety net. I don't like being vulnerable and weak., but I know that you'd follow me around to corners of the world, thats how much you love me. I guess I am taking you for granted, but in the beginning you also played me. Like I didn't know about the three other girls, ahaha, i guess the joke truly is on you though. You fell in love, I didn't. I'm stuck in a emotionless rut, dating my best friend. I don't feel anything, but I guess thats better than feeling rejection and repulsion around you. I do worry how you're going to take the end though. I really don't think you see it coming. I know eventually we'll break up, and for your sanity, I hope you get to do the dumping. I don't think you'd be able to take it if I did it. But really, I didn't sign up for this, I'm only 15 as well. I don't need to be in love, I've got the rest of my life for that.
Why am I still in this, the question pops up again.
I guess, I'm scared to hurt you, after all you are my best friend, no matter how much i loathe you at the moment for putting me in this situation. You've got me cornered. I find myself wishing to be single, yet I catch myself, thanking whatever is up there, that I have you.
Love is a confusing thing, I wouldn't call this love, but I don't know if i'd call this over, just yet. I guess I don't really know what I want. I thought I wanted you, but now I don't think I ever really did. I think it was just the excitement of having someone to myself, that you brought with you, you just weren't the one I really wanted. Now I'm stuck at 3 in the morning, blogging about silly things, I've got people telling me just to end it, and I've got people telling me to stick it out, but what would I stick it out for? To feel like this.
When you kiss me, when you touch me, I don't feel anything, it's like kissing a wall for me. cold, lifeless, nothing. I can't figure out what I want. Being with you, also intimidates me, and I hate the feeling. I feel like i'm not good enough, that theres someone better, and it drives me crazy, meanwhile, i've got this knawing feeling of emptyness with you, like i'm making a mistake and he's the one I want, not you. but how can someone love two people? how can i possibly be in love with you both, meanwhile, the other one wants nothing to do with me, but maybe thats why i want him. the exhilleration of the chase, the feeling of being so close, only to have to work harder, because well, once I had you hooked, I wanted to let you go, only now i'm stuck, like i've hooked myself. but what if he does want me? and I go to him, will I feel like this? I guess thats another reason I decided to say yes to you. to take a chance, and a risk, to let myself be vulnerable for once, to not have that wall, i've built up, but now I know the truth, in this relationship, you're the vulnerable one. I control this relationship more than you do, and I can easily destroy it. Love is a priveledge, and in the past, i haven't been to lucky, so who knows, maybe i'm just taking advantage of the fact that this time, i'm the seeked, and not the seeker. It's a brilliant and wonderful feeling, and I think right now, at this stage in my life, I really don't deserve it, and I don't deserve you, you're a truly wonderful person, even your little quirks are adorable. your flaws, make you flawless in a way, they make your perfection seem human, and I don't quite know why I feel this way, but perfect as you are,I just don't want you, and i think the problem consists in the past, as silly as a fake internet relationship was, it really took a hold of me, and controlled my life, i believe, I really truly fell in love, with whomever that was. Who knows, maybe I am crazy, but I miss it, i miss the confusion, the crying, and the fact that through all the bullshit, i found myself smiling in the end. Maybe your perfection is causing your downfall. I miss the screaming, and the anger, and the feeling in the end, that the world had completely stopped, and the fact that i was carefree. That entire situation has left me fucked up, screwed up, and defensive, but the truth is, I don't think, if given the option, i'd change it so that it never happened. Who knows, maybe what they say is right, maybe in the end, i'm just a fucked up coldhearted bitch, but I can't change me. Maybe, I'll find someone, just as fucked up, or maybe I'll be alone, but hey I'm only 15, i've got the rest of my life ahead of me, and the rest of my life, to find that out.