Sometimes I wish I could,

turn back time.
As impossible as it may seem.

I've never felt so sure of something in my life, and now all I want to do is turn back time, and take it all back. I thought it was something to be proud of, and I can't believe I was such an idiot for believing that. I can't escape this depression, and it scares me, I don't want to end up offing myself, or going back to popping pills, just so i'd pass out and escape the world, even for a little while. I don't want to go down that path, but right now, those ibuprofens, advils, and tylenols are looking pretty sweet to me, almost candy coated. Its a curse given to me, I can't hurt people, I can only hurt myself, and I swear, its getting the better of me. The fact that i'd rather suffer, than havr someone else suffer because of me, or for me, is killing me. Sometimes I wish I could be selfish, and just let people take my pain from me, but I can't, and I just keep it inside me. None of my 'friends' know what I'm going through, and I doubt they'd even understand. I know that I'll eventually die because of the way I feel, whether its my own doing, or something else, and I think i've come to terms with accepting what will be my early death.
As pessimistic as that sounds. I think its also the fact that I have a problem accepting how weak and vulnerable I was in December and January, I spent 14 years building up a wall, to have it completely shattered by one person, and in an instant. Makes me sick to my stomach.