I see the ege

but I can't take the fall,

that feeling,
that same feeling I struggled to break free of,
its haunting me, taking ahold of me once again.
Depression took ahold of my life, in the 6 grade.
Music was my sanctuary, and with it, i was screaming salvation.
sweet salvation. I thought I escaped it with nothing but tragic memories.
but i was wrong. I hate this feeling, and I don't know what to do.
for once in my life, i'm not the one with advice but the one who needs it, and no one to give it.
I've never felt more alone in the world, than I do, at this moment.
Its taking over my life, and theres nothing I can do to stop it.
I don't even know why I should wake up in the morning. Its just a feeling of complete and utter emptyness. Its like a curse. Music can't save me this time.
I thought love could save me, but it couldn't.
Who knows why I'm like this, but its made me coldhearted.
I have so many defenses, I don't know who to trust, I don't know who to love, and who to hate.
I allow others to walk a all over me, a fake smile plastered perfectly on my face.
Depresssion is a serial killer, and I just happened to be its next victim. I remember being a suicidal child, wanting to kill myself so badly, just to escape this, and now its happening again.
friends, arent there to help either. they bitch about my mood, or they get to ignorant to understand. this is the time when i need them most and 99% of them turned their backs.
I'll wind up killing myself before one of them even starts to care. i lost the one person who i ever felt really cared, and it turns out he didnt even care t begin with, my fucked up life was just a game to him. i think im just a game to everybody, their little doll to fuck around with. oh well, when im dead and gone, they'll be to blame. I really dont know how much longer i can preten to be okay with big fake smiles, and silly little 'i'm fine,'s. its getting harder to ignore. this little blog has been helping, but not as much as i need it to.