I used to be lovestruck

now i'm just fucked up.

so as i type this,
i'm on the verge of crying.
he came back,
it was akward and i don't think he has any feeling for me.
he just appologized, and told me how i was amazing. and how sorry he was.
after finally thinking i had some closure,
the same rip in my heart, that feels like an old wound reopening is slowly tearing me apart.
I need to be stronger than this,
I need to be stronger than him.
I can't do it.
I can't take it.
I'm ready to breakdown.
I know he didn't try to do this to me.
He didn't even think I would notice him.
But God save my soul, I can't do this.
I don't know if he's even ever coming back.
He didn't say he wouldn't.
and he didn't say he would.
I feel like that was just a closure for his guilt.
I just needed to be another finished chapter in his life story.
I'm nothing anymore.
Just his past.
and thats what i'll remain.
I've been used, I've been abused, because of him.
I can't even function properly,
I'm stunned at the moment on my ability to type and think properly.
My mind is spinning,
It feels like everything is moving full speed ahead, but for me time has stopped.
I wish I never met you.
I wish I never missed you.
I wish I could quit you.
I wish I could tell you, I'm over you.
I wish, you weren't the boy I fell in love with.
I wish the boy I thought you were, was really you.
You try so hard to be a man, yet you've got so much to learn.
You're still nothing but a child, even if you've got 3 years on me,
I know for a fact, mentally, I'm more mature.
Even if i'm not stronger mentally at this point.
I will be one day.
One day, i'll be able to look you in the eye,
and tell you, I feel nothing.